Sometimes I give a little too much of the best of myself  to fix the broken pieces of others and it almost never gets reciprocated. I often wonder what motivates people to be so super dee duper shitty that they can’t recognize a solid friend when they have one (mind pondering) because the one thing I cannot ever stand is an ungrateful person. As far as I’m concerned, the easiest bridge to burn is a friendship that has no loyalty and has reached it’s point of no return and I always carry a lighter (burn baby burn).  Become absent and you will know everything you need to know about a so-called “friend”. All you have to do is remain still because truth shows up on it’s own perfect timing and actions NEVER LIE. As you get older, your circles become smaller, distance makes situations clearer and silence speaks volumes. Do you boo, I am still here living my best life and the loss was never mine. The best advice I can give to you is be tactful with me because my strategic come back is real crazy.  Sometimes I wish you weren’t that friend I had to learn that lesson with but I am

Sometimes I wish you were still here (grieving heavy) I often wonder if you are in heaven looking into my life like…SMH, that’s some real bullshit right there!  Missing you is an understatement and I am so angry with God that my grudges are most likely blocking my blessings, my hard head tends to make me resilient and I stopped caring about where these chips are falling these days. I don’t know if that makes me dumb or just plain dangerous, I haven’t sorted that out yet. I brag about my sick intuition all the time and I die slowly every time I think about the day I knew something wasn’t right with you. I took your life for granted thinking I’ll just talk to you tomorrow but that day never came. That guilt buries my heart so deep because I have taken on the responsibility of why you are no longer here. I live with that, I have no idea how to get rid of it either. All I know is that you’re gone and God must be like (tapping his foot), “are you done being stubborn yet so I can explain?” and I’m like “NOPE, I’m not talking to you EVER!” (with arms crossed and back turned) I guess I’m a glutton for punishment and the only thing that saves me is that he knows my heart and I’ll let go on my own terms and time but for now I’m gonna ride in my feelings until the wheels fall off or see you again – whichever comes first.   Losing you messed me up and I have nothing to say to God because he knows my heart was not prepared or set up for nothing like this and for me there is no explanation that can heal what I have broken.

Sometimes I wear my heart on my sleeve. I need to stop doing that: effective immediately! I get so emotionally invested on potential, why is that?  Must be a girl thing or perhaps that is how I am just built, I’ll iron that out eventually. One thing I know for sure is that the chances I give has it’s limits.  I may love you but do not push me because I have a small island called, loving you from a distance and it is quite comfortable.  Intentions are sneaky little rascals. They show up to the party dressed up looking real sharp and after you fall in love with the first impression you come to find out that look was just a rental.  Here is my opinion: something real does not come by often.  If they bring to the table the essential lifetime tools to build something great, start laying the bricks.  If the vibe feels good and the conversations are dope trust that you found “the one” If that person can see you at your weakest moments and still GOT YOU that’s bae right there! Most importantly, if this person can see you for who you really are when you are at your worst and they show up giving you their best, you have a life partner. I guess I’m just waiting for them to figure that part out while I go on with my life. 

Sometimes I wish I would stop overthinking and take SOME TIME to heal