I have had to learn the hard way that sometimes desiring something may not always be what’s best for you. My heart has always been bigger than what I could manage and because of it I have undoubtedly sacrificed for the greater good of love for all the wrong reasons. For a very long time I desensitized myself from happiness for the sake of a relationship and as a result I had fallen short of what I deserved.
So I fell in love with the wrong guy. My emotional signature is that I tend to love very hard. I suppose it happens to the best of us. That doesn’t make me a fool; it makes me a person. I was young and fell in love way too fast. Before I knew it, I was trapped in a twenty-year relationship for the sake of partnership. He broke my heart more times than I can remember. I cannot fathom the amount of days I loathed in self-pity because I could not make him love me the way I should be loved. I couldn’t even love myself. I caved into my thoughts and figured I can learn to live like this, hoping someday he would change. Change NEVER came! The signs were always there that this relationship did not compliment me, however my desire for companionship far outweighed the reality that he was not “The One”.
I was the financial stability for my family and I sacrificed my happiness to force true love. I have made plenty of mistakes along the way – many I am not proud of – but I embrace it because it paved a way for choice. Over the 20 year course of our relationship, he had over 20 mistresses (thanks to social media). I struggled with insecurity and the burden of holding my family life together. Somewhere in between I lost myself. It was exhausting and I was definitely on the verge of becoming a broken woman. I began questioning myself, “Why stay? Why am I here?” At that moment, life stopped and my opportunity came for life-changing choices.
The amazing thing about life is that it lures you into a roller coaster of emotions, opportunity and situations. What people failed to understand – as they passed their judgement and looked down on me for staying so long – is that all of this was a necessary experience in order for me to move in the direction I needed to go. My journey could not be decided by what people expected me to do. I had to allow life to take its course. Life still had other plans for me and I had to be patient for my time to come.
I was called a fool for rushing in, but in my opinion the real fool is the one that won’t take chances and experience life without being afraid of disappointment, even if it meant sacrificing your heart. I never regretted loving him despite the fact that he treated me like a doormat. To be with someone for twenty years who won’t even hold your hand through the journey is far too long.
Throughout the journey, I’ve surrounded myself with everything that matters to me. I was blessed with another chance to give life and watch my daughter enter into every milestone without distraction. Life gave me the opportunity to grow and mentally mature so that I may give myself value and pay attention to the lesson. I took time to observe what makes my heart happy and mind clear. It was then that I realized he can no longer fit in my life, but at the same time realized he was necessary in order for me to move on. I was privileged with the vision to see that this was my time. I was able to slow life down enough to finally accept that he was not “The One”. I was able to remove him from my life because it was what I decided and not what was expected. I allowed plenty of heartache – maybe even unnecessarily – but this was my life to live and no one had the right to take that away from me. I am grateful for my experience because I now finally understand the difference between what is right for me from what others want for me. I have even been persuaded to feel what love and true companionship truly is and it is such an amazing gift that I could never imagine compromising it ever again. Patience granted me maturity, maturity granted me happiness and happiness granted me freedom.
With life and love you take chances. Love should never be complicated when it is the simplest form of affection and do not hesitate to embrace it. It’s okay if you fall or fail as long as you know there’s more to life than that moment. No matter how long your journey is, opportunities will arise and only you will know in your heart when it is your time, and when you do, grab it with both hands. Never allow yourself to be influenced by fear of judgement. Life has bigger plans; don’t be afraid to jump! The real courage is to follow your heart and always do what feels right for you on your journey, because only a fool won’t rush in.